and Words
Looking from the window above
It’s like a story of love.
Can you hear me?
Came back only yesterday,
Moving farther away.
Want you near me.
All I needed was the love you gave.
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew;
Only you.
Lyric excerpts from Musixmatch.
Years ago, I heard there was some hoopla about a show on Netflix as it established its own streaming platform; its name was 13 Reasons Why. While I heard that there was some controversy about its content, I intentionally avoided reading about it until I had an opportunity to watch it. I absentmindedly put it on my list as I continued to watch other shows, where it stayed dormant until I was ready.
It would not disappoint. The show starts and ends with a warning about its content, that it talks about teenage suicide. Sadly, one concern is that there would be copycat suicides, and yes, tragically that does occur. The warning upon starting the episode is absolutely appropriate; it spins of a haunting tale of a young woman as she ends her life. Watching each situation may break your heart or lead you to celebrate. Though going through it from beginning to end was distressing. If you have yet to watch it, you absolutely should. It is that good.
Save for my freshman year, I generally excelled in high school. I’ll let you in on a little confession, I was driven by vengeance, though not in the traditional sense where I sought to harm someone. A number of classmates had written me off during that freshman year; to this day, I don’t know why. It might’ve been my struggle with English or that I was Chinese. They spoke truly cruel things under their breath, just loudly enough for me to hear. They left notes in my coat pocket or bag, obviously intended to upset me.
However, I did not give them the satisfaction of seeing me in distress. Furthermore, I spent the rest of high school proving them wrong; I would outperform them in every way that I cared to compete. I remember a moment when one of them was directly in front of me while we shuffled down the stairs and resisted the momentary temptation to give him one hard shove. However, the bullying was not without its impact. I pondered what it would like to end the suffering. Those ideas didn’t persist, nor did I contemplate how I may have done it.
The story in “13 Reasons Why” resonated with me. The starkness of the bright sunniness of the school and the darkness that enveloped the students was chilling, much like my own darkness in the sunny setting of Fort Lauderdale. Much like watching a collection of sad clowns with painted smiles. As I watched the first season of the show wrap, music cued, and the voice of Selena Gomez sounds in almost a tangible, ghostly pallor:
Looking from a window above
It’s like a story of love
Can you hear me?
Years ago, a collection of dedicated engineers stayed at work well into the evening at Microsoft campus. This was more often the rule rather than the exception. As I worked in my office, I took a break and wandered into the kitchen for yet another soft drink. During that break, I heard singing, and it piqued my curiosity. I followed it to the source.
The origin was my friend’s office. Three of my friends, members of the Microtones (the Microsoft singing troupe), sang in stunning harmony. They’re two full-time employees and one intern. Under normal circumstances, they diligently and passionately conduct their work as programmers. Each had earned my respect in their respective roles, and now I glimpsed into another facet of their lives. It gives them great depth.
They crowd around a single microphone while they recorded their performance. The lyrics were unfamiliar, though as I heard them, they’re committed to memory. The sweet tones of their voices filled the room as they funneled into a microphone, and so it continued for a number of takes. Others, like me, congregated and stood by the door to that office. We watched in quiet fascination as we listened to the a cappella performance. I could rationalize that our silence was out of respect to their singing or even the recording, but it was more out of our selfish desire to hear those voices unhindered.
They sung their own rendition to “Only You”, and it continues to be in my mind, the original rendition of the song. Those lyrics are inextricable from their voices as they echo in my head. The scene in that office similarly captured to memory.
Decades later, I reflect on those voices. Our promising intern didn’t come back, at least not to our group. The talented developer, a mentor in many ways, left the company to work for a friend. The dedicated tester later became a program manager, and eventually left the company, deciding that family was more important than our rat race. I still keep in touch with one of them, though I miss our daily interactions.
Years later, I track down the commercial release of this song, and I found that it’s a rendition done by Yazoo. As you might imagine, searching for ‘Only You’ will lead you to many other results, but managed to find the one. While they’re certainly the same words, it lacks the same feel of the voices from my friends. Though not disparaging it, it almost feels like it belongs in a children’s show. While no two versions will ever quite be the same, the one by Selena Gomez is much closer to the one etched in my memory thanks to my friends.
And yet as I hear Selena Gomez’s voice and the words, “sometimes when I think of her name”. And I think of her name, Hannah Baker. Though she’s a fictional character; she’s a symbol of those who live among us who are in pain. Clay Jensen loved her but too was unprepared for what happened, both before and after her suicide. I identify with them both.
Suicide has tainted my life as it has marred many others. Survivors carry the guilt with us from every conversation.