and Words
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Lyric excerpts from Musixmatch.
Having attended Catholic school in Puerto Rico, we discussed religion in general and angels in particular. However, I don’t believe that any of us has a real understanding of what it’s all like, not sufficient enough to truly describe it to someone else. Those conversations in my youth were more superficial than descriptive.
Years later, I chatted with a friend about trying to describe something common without a frame of reference. Imagine talking on the phone with someone and needing to distinguish between ‘left’ and ‘right’ without making another reference (like on which side of the street do people drive). Similarly, how do you describe to a blind person what certain colors look like having never seen them? I found that talking about religion was often like this. We had directions to accept certain ideas as truisms, but most discussions were ultimately unfulfilling.
The first time I heard this song was on the soundtrack to City of Angels. The film is an incredibly interesting take on how angels interact with us. The two main characters Seth (Nicolas Cage) and Maggie (Meg Ryan) weave a great story for how these interactions take place. This includes all the subtle elements which we may not necessarily see but are subtly explained in this film. I won’t tell you that it convinced me that we interact with celestial beings in this way, but it was nonetheless an interesting film.
While I certainly enjoyed the film, I was content to watch it once. However, this song feels differently than the film. It persists in memory in more nuanced ways than the film, and it easily outlives the impression of the movie.
Sarah McLachlan has released many renditions of this song; they include live recordings and videos. They’re all personal, haunting, and distinctive. While I won’t diminish any of them, the studio version from the Surfacing album stands apart from others. Her voice delicately sounds taught and precise, and it accompanies the piano perfectly. It persists even through the perfect diction around the words “back” and “lack”.
She sings in a stoic and appropriately angelic voice. As she sings “in the arms of the angel, fly away from here“, you can almost feel the delicate protective flight from this angel and its peaceful gliding over the whisper of the wind. In a somber moment of stress or anxiety, you will almost yearn for that peace and comfort.
McLachlan continues with “and everywhere you turn there’s vultures and thieves at your back“. It paints a picture of the struggle, subtly different for each of us, but only a natural part of life. Though in this case, are they villains? Are they malicious in their intent? Each verse is delivered slowly, crisply, and dare I say… deliciously, at a tempo where we may savor each individual word.
The words speak of strife and scarcity. In fact, it oscillates between moments of conflict and peace. It resembles our own lives in hopefully a less polarized manner. We both empathize the suffering and envy the moments of release. She weaves it masterfully in this composition.
And if this spanned the extent of this song, it would already be exceptional.
Years later I read an article on the very composition of this song, and it transformed how I now listen to it. She composed the lyrics after the death of Johnathan Melvoin; he died from a heroin overdose. While she had not done heroin herself, she identified with those feelings that may lead someone to escape. As I read those words, they colored the song and its lyrics in unimaginable ways.
Abruptly, words like “I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release… Memory seep from my veins.” which initially sounded innocuous now take on a more sinister meaning. Symbolism gives way to literalism; we can only visualize the drug physically flowing into the vein as it quietly syphons some of the pain from this tortured soul. Unfortunately, it perilously also drains the life from them.
Just like that, words like “so tired of the straight line” leaves us to wonder if this alludes to following the righteous path or a carefully sculpted line of cocaine. As it continues, the entire song balances between the original peaceful, melancholy words about celestial companions to the darker real-world struggle with addiction. It’s haunting.
Only once we hear it from this perspective, do we realize how carefully each word is weaved. Is this a story told from the perspective of the subject, the angel (or drug), or from an observer?
While this certainly not the first time I’ve written a post about addiction, each tune spans both ends of the spectrum. Addiction has not impacted my life in this way, but it has impacted some loved ones. I only weep that their struggle inadvertently took their life.
As I listen to Sarah McLachlan’s voice again, I am left to wonder if this person peacefully succumbs to death like Melvoin or if tonight is simply one night along an array of endless nights. The words were written to be intentionally ambiguous. It feels like watching a person fall asleep in a speeding car, without seeing or hearing the impact.
Each day we get into our cars and drive to work. Each day is subtly different but generally the same. We never expect an event that will alter the trajectory of our lives. We may get into a life altering car accident or we may buy the winning lottery ticket when we fueled up.
And in some ways, they lived it precisely in this way. They repeated this ritual, fully expecting to wake another day, until one day they didn’t. Did it occur to them that this particular needle may be their last?