and Words
It felt like spring time on this February morning
In a courtyard birds were singing your praise
I’m still recalling things you said to make me feel alright
I carried them with me today now
As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I’m far away
I’ll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy
Lyric excerpts from Musixmatch.
In the mid-1990’s, a song captivated my ears. Truthfully, her voice mesmerized me as much as the words she sang; that voice held a delicate femininity. When I discovered that Sophie B. Hawkins would come to Seattle on tour, I simply needed to go. I cast a wide net; I sent mails to many friends asking if any were interested. These were the days before streaming music services (or really even the internet), so I copied a few sound files to a share and had them sample it.
I got one bite. A Vietnamese friend who knew her by her music, but not her name agreed to join me. While he was more familiar with her debut album, we still went and enjoyed the evening. We also made plans to have dinner that evening, and it was a date, of sorts. I was delighted to have seen her in concert.
Hawkins did not disappoint; she owned the stage. During the show her voice not only echoed the delicate femininity from her album but also bellowed with forced and confidence. She straddled what I believe was a djembe drum and played it to perfect rhythm. She spanned the entirety of the stage in bare feet, much like those seductive words from her song, “I’ll run to meet you barefoot, barely breathing”.
And in that instant, it transports me to a moment where she’s on stage again at a Hard Rock Café, through a television screen. It’s a scene from an episode of “Party of Five” where Julia and Justin find themselves at her concert together, though estranged. I don’t detail the circumstances between the two of them. The show piqued my interest when I saw it on a cover of TV Guide with the caption, “The best show that you’re not watching.” That prompted me to start watching it. I won’t bore you with the different plot points between characters. You can watch that yourself.
Chronologically, the show starts about six months past a tragic accident, where a couple was fatally struck by a drunk driver. You see their five children, from toddlerhood to early adulthood, settling into their routine. They don’t really talk about it much; it only comes up in conversation occasionally. Over the episodes, they reveal minute details from this tragic accident. Independent of what else occurs in their lives, they commit to meeting for dinner once a week at their parents’ restaurant, still run by their business partner; it is their anchor. As they’re seated, you hear the announcement, “Salinger… party of five.” Hence the title of the show.
As adults, we shed the baggage from childhood; we learned to navigate situations through sheer repetition. Once we develop that muscle memory, we simply perform the activities without thinking about them anymore. Much like driving a car or riding a bicycle, we don’t think about the intricate details. Tragically, we also forget what it’s like to be young; the fragility of teen hood is but a distant memory.
And yet, watching each of them navigate through life allows me to remember those moments as I experienced them in my youth. I follow them, almost voyeuristically, as they allow their friend to cheat off their test. As I quietly pass judgement, until I recall as I myself aided a friend with during tests with alarming regularity. Furthermore, I literally missed a single day of school during my sophomore year; it was a day of one of our tests. My friend (and apparently a whole section of the class unbeknownst to me), scored considerably worse that day; our teacher grew understandably suspicious. Going forward, every time our teacher administered a test, he pulled my desk immediately next to his facing the entire class.
Additionally, there was the struggle with social acceptance. I watched as Julia apprehensively acquiesced to hosting a party in order to become more popular with friends. That mirrored one of my sisters; she chased affirmation like a drug. I, on the other hand, ran directly towards the confrontation. I wore the badge of the social outcast, almost daring them to strike me down. Years later did I realize, that whether you’re running towards or away from it, you’re still a puppet. To quote Joshua from War Games, “The only winning move is not to play.”
Do we remember the excitement of that first kiss in our own lives? Lacey Chabert, who played Claudia, recalled how her first kiss on screen predated her first kiss in real life. Something about her account saddened me.
“Party of Five” also mirrored my life post the death of my father. My mom worked harder than anyone I knew; she was my hero. However, she worked two jobs to keep us afloat, and we needed to navigate much on our own. She didn’t really speak English, nor did she graduate from high school. While my mother was a force of nature, she couldn’t really help us navigate through high school.
Life for us felt like the twilight between having one parent and orphanhood. Once I passed basic arithmetic, my parents no longer helped me with my schoolwork. I needed to learn all high school subjects on my own. All those awkward situations in high school? I navigated them on my own. Bullying and racism? Yes, those too.
My mom provided us with a home and filled it with love. She provided us with everything we needed to survive. However, if American culture was unfamiliar to a trilingual teen, it was like an entirely other planet for my mom. Rationally, I don’t blame my dad for dying or my mom for her inability to help me more. Emotionally, I wanted more; I felt cheated.
I often reflect on those tumultuous days; I try hard to not forget my roots. Shows like “Party of Five” make that a bit easier.